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Monday, September 17th, 2007
10:25 pm - I am here so I don't have to be?
So I am at my office, and it's 10:30.  What?
Yuck.
Ok, I am going to leave.
I am working pretty hard on doing what I can to not have to come in as much (or at all) anymore.  We'll see how that goes.  Blah.
night

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Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
9:37 pm - J O B
So it looks like I might get one of these. 
ew.
Polishing up resume, dumping excess inventory, working it.

Things . . .are.
updates as they become available.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
1:10 am - paring, unpairing
Where was I?
It's been a while since I've . . .been.

relationships: tumult, baggage, love, betrayal, incision; run of the mill slow death by anxiety.

Business: growth, change, exhaustion, disillusionment, death, rebirth
o paring, dispensing

I guess the point is this:  It's been a busy frustrating year filled with a lot of . . .um, learning.

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Thursday, July 6th, 2006
2:03 am - It's been a while, since I could. . .
I should be showering. I should be in bed. I should be lots of places, doing lots of things, but I am here. Apparently, this is my first journal entry in (more than) 2 months. Hmmm, pages ripped out; I don't remember doing that.

I've been working my ass off pulling in 10-12 hour days in the hopes that soon, soon I will no longer have to repair laptops and buy random shit over eBay every soul-sucking day of my existence (and consequently, it will not be soul-sucking, at least, not in that way). For those who find themselves pleased by my well-being, you can smile a little to yourself. . . now.

I've been spending a lot of time with my good friend in co-conspirator in non-life-suckage, derve, of late. It's been pretty fantastic. I don't have anything to say that is going to make me appear clever or thoughtful right now, so I think I will leave my entry at that. Life is satisfactory, I am not dead; I even miss you guys.

current mood: tired
current music: karaoke

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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
3:09 am - lucky to be alive
no, I mean, really. That could have killed me. Thank you to those of you who provided some comfort when I was still feeling completely freaked out; you know who you are.

life news:
Business is going passably well and I'm working more than I ever have.

I need to find an MD in providence finally; I've managed to get away with not having one for 4 years (outside of having brown's healthcare available to me) and I can no longer.

It is time for bed now. If you are reading this and we haven't spoken in a while, I probably miss you a lot. We should remedy the former that the latter might be remedied as well. *hugs*

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Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
1:04 am - Followup on natalia's post
2. Big Fish... I think that's what we were watching when I got violently allergic to Bismarck...
That fucking cat. . . people seem to have a similar reaction to its original owner. Hmmph.

3. Blueberry.
4. Remember driving around that night in August before you drove me to the airport? We should do it again. The driving around, not the airport.
Oh, I remember, quite well. It was raining and I wasn't quite as familiar with the Volvo's breaking performance as I should liked to have been and had to back up from the middle of the intersection. I should have just gone. It was pretty late and there was nobody anywhere (on the other hand, later experience might suggest otherwise; see post re: arrested)

5. This is by no means my first favorite memory of you, but for some reason I'm remembering a night in September (I think) when you got all belligerent at some girl who was giving you crap for hanging out with college students. It was glorious.
Bitch had it coming. I'd do it again if I had to, but I'd be crueler.

6. Pelican.
Awesome, I think

7. I can't think of anything... How is your mother doing?
Mommy's fine. I don't see enough of / talk to my parents enough.

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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
1:41 am



Well, if a computer says so. Oh meg.


current mood: curious
current music: Neutral Milk Hotel

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Saturday, April 1st, 2006
3:40 am - tomorrow
So I am entertaining some wonderful friends planning to enjoy psychotropic substances starting tomorrow morning at 8am. I am excited about the good times that will no doubt ensue, but displeased with the length of time that lies between 3:27 AM and 8:00 AM.

I've been re-reading demian recently. It's wonderful. I really ought read more often (for my own sanity, and because it pleases me immensely) for me, it's like basking in a light shade in perfect 84 degree weather and being engulfed in a warm viscous wonderland and yet, bounced along by that perfect series of moments that lie strung together, one by one, as the prose falls gently into sense, perfectly into place. Ok, so I'm an idealistic schmuck. . .sue me.

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Friday, February 10th, 2006
1:35 am - lamentations between sheets
thinly veiled comforts
often mistaken useful
nothing honest though.
it's intentional. . .
this isolation, this void.
what of the darkness?
wandering further.
permitting the atrophy
but not quietude.
if ever good, good
enough, send me that sweeness,
send me that memo.

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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
2:50 am - my feet are chilly
Cheap wine suffices.
quieting
wetting thirsty mouths with easy elixir
tomorrow has migraines

current mood: content
current music: The Name Of This Band is the Talking Heads

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
11:45 pm - power and need
why does s/he splint legs . . .
broken bird legs. for power?
Why does s/he bother

current mood: complacent
current music: I am Sitting In the Bathtub

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4:46 pm - tree
the leaf, is it more?
more than polite adjectives --
words about color. . .

current mood: thoughtful
current music: Nine Inch Nails -- Hurt

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Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:02 am - recently
I saw something magical at around 4:00 PM on the 27th.

Other things of note:
NYC thrift shops are very different from those found just about anywhere. I believe this borders on common knowledge.

InuYasha

Top 5:Places I would like to visit in the next 5 years

  • Eastern europe
  • India
  • Morocco
  • Galápagos Islands
  • Tibet


current mood: contemplative
current music: Tenacious D

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Monday, December 26th, 2005
4:06 pm - we'll all float on ok
Lambasted, etc. Life is actually quite beautiful, as usual. Thank goodness for bass. . .oh bass, what would I do without you? I'm going to be frank here. I love the people that I work with and there is no better thing in the world than working alone in here. Nothing. This office has become a bizarre second home for me. As I add machine after machine, function after function, I begin to wonder whether I actually want to extricate myself from it. . .I organize my entire music collection, sell some more laptops and finally, venture out onto the roof and become certain of it, certain that I do not want to spend my life here. The world is far to beautiful for terminals, shell scripting, automization, systemization and a series of other meaningless ways in which I can make things move more quickly around me just so I can die at the exact same time. pass.

current research:
  • data forensics
  • hyperthreading
  • improved visual and auditory data fingerprinting: are there efficient ways to do this without complete decompression of the data object in question? Current techniques are clearly ineffective. I am of the mind that, given any song, for example, one should be able to take differentials between pieces. . .relevant inversion points in the music, select say, the highest high, the lowest low, and, perhaps, using a couple of additional heuristics to ensure that 2 songs using the same background like under pressure vs that other shit song that is not under pressure but uses the same background do not fingerprint in the same way. I am reasonably certain that this is possible.
  • ben harper


current mood: awake
current music: Ben Harper - Fight for Your Mind

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1:05 am - existential dysmorphia
olneyville food served
christmas spirit bah humbug
fuck volunteering

ok, I'm kidding
is ok two syllables?
I'd say it is then

there in providence
jen, ben made jewish christmas
two movies, sushi

i've spent evenings
hanging with natalia
watching bad t.v.

what the fuck is this?
this fucking adult swim shit
no, I mean, really. . .

example: squirrel
and his machine gunning friend
damned insanity

so i talked to mom,
jerry, megan this morning
we'll meet in new york

being here solo,
i'll just say, is amazing.
please come back soon though.

current mood: full
current music: the modern lovers

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Monday, December 19th, 2005
5:41 am - unsolicited
it's a 'dream job' so
why does the offer make me
uncomfortable?

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Thursday, December 15th, 2005
4:44 pm - yesterday, last night, now
Thank you for good times, good people, phone calls that jar one out of a funk, amazing friends, intense conversations about the things I find most fascinating, and reminders that life is beautiful every second of every day. . .sometimes one's head must be cocked to the side a little bit to see it.

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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
8:37 pm - struggles

i daquiri

so many different things going on around me. . .inme,inmyhead. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster and a tilt-a-whirl at the same time in some sort of closed space with bumper cars flying every which way and a man trying to shoot around the paper-trapped star with a machine gun to win his girlfriend a large stuffed bear made of things that are very bad for the environment and probably carcinogenic at least in california. . all of this in a 2'x3'x6' box. The g-force is too harsh, the movement too nauseating -- and it feels like I'm about to puke out what will soon be my recently imploded head; there is something about shaking and stirring oneself at the exact same time -- something bordering upon transcendence.
[pauses, recognizes own self-aggrandization, chuckles, continues]A bizarre amalgam of self-love and self-loathing with happiness, sadness, jealousy, confusion, certainty, longing, disgust, hopefulness, despair, disappointment, satisfaction. . .and that's all concerning the matter of lunch. All added together there's a negation -- the mix self-neutralizes and in flailing about as I flagrantly mix and match bad metaphors and tenses -- the mix, the question mark sits patiently in space peering from vantage of curious serenity. ear-splitting silence -- the.all.the.whole::clarity.transparency.from.opacity:: -- an ethereal cosmos of the other continues spinning and shaking about and the slurry perches, reclining quietly. . . watching as though perhaps it saw itself.    
?

 

meg and I made up the following at the gcb, monday night:


She began:
Hetero lifemate

I added
Why do you fondle me so?
I thought we were friends.


 



current mood: chipper
current music: Underworld -- Moaner

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1:41 pm - mortified, DELETED
I keep doing it. Why do I bring the awkward as though I were paid for it?

current mood: pensive
current music: Coldplay - The Scientist

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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
5:10 am - snow, etc.
Yay for late-nite bickford's, drinks with best friends, temporary fixes, good company, gentleness, obscurity, snow, missing the point. . .and finding it again.
Boooooh snow preventing road trip. . .but yay for the excellent things in its place. No trades.



I am so ready to pass out and wake up a long time from now.

current mood: exhausted

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